"I believe it's important to share my background and take you on my journey, as you are not alone"
"I was feeling frustrated that I was still not feeling ok.
Something was is still robbing me of my peace. It was horrible and I felt I had tried to make it stop. I was scared, out of ideas, desperate, unsure and maybe disappointed as I had worked so hard. Feeling sceptical about support and help, because I had been trying to sort this out for a while and was still feeling like shit and full of self-doubt. I was caring more about what everyone else is thinking and making dubious choices.
I wasn't being kind to myself and unable to stay sober.
This wasn't a new feeling as I have been here before. I had got into recovery in 1996 and had worked so hard to manage a relentless inner critic. With over 15 years of therapy and had attended every 12-step programme on the planet (almost) and I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I was still in a dark and lonely place, still harming myself and still hating on myself.
I was a professional, educated mum to 2 incredible boys and felt that I should have known how to do this sober life thing, without feeling so stressed and overwhelmed. I was respected, I had a First-Class Honours, I should have been able to work this out.
I had been working as a social worker, in frontline services for many years. I was in my dream-job (on paper), overseeing two incredible projects, managing a team and fundraising for women exploited through their involvement in the sex industry.
In 2014 I was hospitalised with a stress-related illness and woke up knowing that I had neglected myself whilst being out there, trying to save the world.
It's now 2021, I'm able to smile at myself and be so bloody fond of me. I’m incredibly proud of the young girl who put herself in rehab and 21 and lived to tell her story. She is sweet & funny and still gets it wrong, but she has her own back, always. She’s full of energy and has time to create a life that she loves. She stopped worrying about whether or not she is liked. She is free, moves her body most days (because she loves it, not because she hates it).
How this relates to you?
You are probably super bright and don’t understand how you are still making dubious choices. You are trying to spend, work, eat, restrict or exercise your way out of it. You may have given up. You thought that when you got sober or stopped self-medicating, you would be ok. But you are exhausted and it all feels pretty joyless.
It may be a relationship, your issues with food, overspending or your never-ending productivity. Either way it feels horrible and you have tried to make it stop. You are scared, out of ideas, desperate, unsure and maybe disappointed because you have already worked so hard.
Please know that it is going to be ok and if you have found your way here, please know that you are not alone."